Living in the Moment

I think this is a great follow up post on my last post. A little change in perspective.

My counselor discussed with me living in the moment. Initially, I kind of rolled my eyes. Most of the 'Living in the Moment' discussions I've had have seemed pretty irrelevant to me. I don't feel like I am the kind of person who lives in the past or dwells in the past. I feel a lot of the time like the past is for learning, and that I just need to focus on the future and the next step.

However, living in the moment isn't just about not living in the past, it is also about not living in the future.

You can ask anybody who knows me. I'm a planner. I have plans, goals, dreams, aspirations. I spend a lot of time thinking about the future and my goals. My plans change often, but I always have a general outline of what I want to happen in my life in the next (insert period of time here). School, marriage, family, I even think about retirement and grandchildren. It is comforting to me to have a plan. The times that I feel the most helpless or out of control are times when I don't have a plan for the next step.

I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing. It is important to have goals and have a direction you want your life to head in. However, there are definitely drawbacks to spending a lot of my time and energy focused on the future. The biggest one being that I'm missing the now.

Eric and I just celebrated our one year anniversary. The first year of our marriage is gone. We will never get that back. There were good things, and bad things, and mediocre things, but they are gone now. That first year of our lives as husband and wife is over. Time moves forward, it stops for no man. I can't change the fact that it's gone, but I do have control over whether or not in a couple of years I look back on this time and regret I was so focused on the future that I missed the now, the now we will never have again.

Since my first miscarriage, I have felt so strongly that having a baby would heal the hurt that I feel. Every subsequent loss has only served to push me harder into trying to get my take home baby. Yes, we are ready to start a family. We have talked about it, intimately, in depth, on multiple occasions, and the conclusion that we always come to is that we are ready to be parents. Well, as ready as one can be to be a parent. Emotionally, I want to be a mother so bad that it is physically painful sometimes to see others achieve that goal while I am left in the dust.

However, once we have a child, we can never go back to being just a couple with no kids. Sure, in 20-30 years they will (hopefully) all move out and we will be empty nesters, but we will still be Mom and Dad. And, although I am totally ready to commit my life to raising what I hope will be responsible, mature, healthy, happy adults, (I don't ask for much...) I don't want to look back on my life with Eric and think, "Wow, I really wished I had been more involved in that part of our lives. I wish I had enjoyed that more. I wish I could have that back and relive it."

And so, while there continues to be a plan, and while I am going to continue pursuing my goals, including the goal of motherhood, I have decided to try to be more mindful of the present moment, to enjoy it, to really live it. Because, I love my husband. I adore him. Every day, I feel like I am more in love with him than I could possibly be, and the next day that love is multiplied. I want to enjoy my life with him as it is right now, warts and all, because in the future, I will only have the memories.