In my mind's eye, I can picture her as though she is standing in front of me. The lights are bright on her skin, her eyes sparkle, her lips pulled into a triumphant grin. She is wearing a blue dress, it glimmers in the stage lights. A matching blue bow is perched jauntily on her brown hair, which is ratted so high it adds two inches to her petite frame. Her arms are extended skyward, she is proud, she is triumphant. The roar of the applause is still audible to me, 8 months later.
There is where she shall stay, arrested at 22, at the prime of her life. She who dreamed of Broadway, she who WAS Tracy Turnblad, the embodiment of energy, positivity, friendship, and most of all, talent.
Our friendship was based on a love of theater, on the hard work and subsequent success that came from the annual community theater performance. And now she's gone, and there is a hole in my heart.
Kat, you will be greatly missed. Our little community is grieving for you.
In times like this, I see how loss is so different in LDS culture. It's almost a positive thing. I read the things people have posted on Kat's wall, and they all say something along the lines of, "We miss you, we can't wait to see you again. We know that you are healthy and happy now." We are sad, but we are also positive.
I recently went through the emotional roller coaster that is finding out I am pregnant, and then finding out I am having a miscarriage. It's hard because on one hand, we weren't trying to get pregnant, but on the other hand, that was supposed to be my baby. But again, the positive outlook comes into my personal grief. I am sad because I lost my child, but I am also blessed to know that it happened for a reason. The timing must not be right, God has a better plan. Maybe I needed to know that I can get pregnant, which is amazing for me to know. I'm excited to realize I have inherited my mother's fertility, and it makes me happy to think that when Eric and I decide to have kids, we will most likely be able to conceive quickly.
God had a higher plan, and I have faith in it. While I find myself sitting in my shower and sobbing because I lost a friend and a baby within a week period of time, I also find myself getting out, drying off, putting my clothes on, and living my life. Because I know that God is in charge, that everything will be OK.
I smile through my tears at the thought of Kat in heaven, with my baby by her side, and singing with the host of heaven, her beautiful voice echoing in our hearts and minds.
