I had read someone commenting about blogs, saying that she didn't like them and that people shouldn't share their innermost thoughts with the whole wide world because it makes people uncomfortable.
This really made me think. Why do I blog? Why do I share my very raw and real thoughts and feelings with people, a vast majority whom I do not know, and will not ever know. Why do I do it?
The answer is very simple. I am a human being, that's why.
As a human being, I have experienced trials. As a human being, I share these trials with other people in this world. While my trials are unique to me, there are many, many, many people in this world who have had very similar trials. As a human being, I find comfort in the knowledge I am not alone in this world. It comforts me to hear other people's stories, their thoughts and feelings, and to understand that my emotional reactions to my trials are not unusual, but perhaps they are not spoken out loud very often. There are experiences that are very taboo in this world that I have experienced, miscarriage, rape, divorce, sexual molestation, bulimia, suicidal thoughts, self harm. Dark, painful things that people silence, cover up, ignore. But, those who are brave enough to speak, to share in a public forum, people I can immediately relate too because I have had those same experiences, same emotions, same trials, are my heroes. As a human being, I feel that it is my responsibility while on this earth to help as many people as I possibly can, and if just sharing my story helps one person in the whole wide world find even a modicum of comfort and peace, than it is worth it for me to expose myself.
Is it cathartic? Yes. Would it be just as cathartic to write it down in a journal? Yes, but also no. Yes, because it would be an emotional release, No, because I know that it wouldn't be helping anybody else, and that is a big part of the healing process for me.
It was because I was brave and shared my story with my eating disorder that I was able to help raise money so that other young women could have the same life saving treatment that I did. It was because I shared something so raw and real and painful that a friend came out and confessed a similar experience, and it has brought us closer together. It was because I shared that fact that I was molested by my biological father as a child that I was able to talk to a fellow eating disorder survivor, to realize how many things we had in common because of that experience, and now she is a friend for a lifetime. It was because my mom shared the story of her molestation with me, that I was able to know that a beaten, battered, and emotionally scarred little girl could grow up to be the strongest, smartest, bravest woman I know. It was because I shared my thoughts and feelings on my miscarriage that women in my life, women I have known for years, women who are related to me, came out and shared their experiences with me.
God gave me the gift of words and the drive to leave my mark on this world. God let me be born in a time when modern technology allows me to share my stories far and wide with little effort. Finally, God gave me trials, painful, terrible trials. With those trials, he gave me the strength to power through, the comfort of amazing family and friends, the resources to find the help I needed, and the knowledge to look back on my trials and see the lessons I have learned.
This is why I blog.
If you have had any of these experiences and want to talk, I am extremely willing. Feel free to ask me questions. If you have ever been abused or neglected or had a loss, here is a listening ear, an understanding mind, and a shoulder to cry on. Call me, e-mail me, message me. I would love to talk.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
Logic vs Emotion
I am a planner. It's in my blood. I'm a planner and a researcher. I make the joke often about my last impulse buy. I needed a DVD player. I went to Radio Shack and the RC Willey Outlet Store. I looked at all of the DVD players, jotted down all of their information, and took that info home. The next evening, I went to the RC Willey outlet store, and purchased the DVD player I had decided to buy.
Technically, not impulsive at all. But, I still felt like I was living on the edge with that particular purchase. I mean, I didn't research it online first, just price comparison in the two stores. And, I only went to two stores. OK, so I will buy a pack of gum or whatever in the checkout line, but not often, and I usually take a couple of minutes to compare prices and flavors first. Also, if I don't need the gum, I won't buy it.
Eric is of a similar mindset when it comes to planning and researching. He decided he wanted an electric shaver for his birthday. He went online, compared models, went to the store, looked at a couple, then wrote down EXACTLY what he wanted, a Remington MS2 390 Microscreen Rechargeable/Corded Men's Shaver. I'm not joking about that, I'm reading it off of the paper where he wrote it down for me.
Obviously, we were meant to be together! And, we both ENJOY it. We will sit down, one on one computer and one at the other, and compare and price match all day long. Or, one of us will get a bee in our bonnet, research it out, and excitedly tell the other one what we have discovered. When we got Lucius, we came home the next day with a list to tell the other person about Yorkshire Terriers, most of it the same, and just shot facts that we had discovered at each other.
There is a major difference in making a LOGICAL decison, and an EMOTIONAL one. This comparison shopping and planning and scheduling is all very logical. There is little emotion involved. Sure, when we pick colors or styles, that's more of an emotional response, but the deciding factors are a majority logical.
I have tried, with varying degrees of success, to live my life LOGICALLY. I wanted rules and standards with everything. I wanted it to be that IF I got married to someone I cared about, who cared about me, in the temple, and had these flowers and these decorations and these pictures, in this house with this decoration and these groceries, and that if I just TRIED hard enough, I would stay married forever. What I left out of my decision to marry my ex-husband was the EMOTIONAL aspect of it. Was I emotionally prepared? Mentally, yes. Physically, yes. Financially, mostly. But emotionally? No. I didn't love my ex, I liked him, we had been together for long enough that it was time to get married, and I figured that with time (and I actually remember thinking this shortly before our marriage) I would fall in love with him. I don't regret getting married at 18, and I don't regret doing everything I could to save that marriage, but I do regret not realizing sooner that if I didn't love him, it wouldn't be worth it. By the time we got divorced, I was in it because I made a commitment to be with him. And, the day he left, my first response was shock, but my second response was actually relief. I remember looking into the apartment he had practically destroyed, and thinking, "I get a second chance! I get to marry someone I love next time!"
Doing my externship was an emotional decision. I thought that I would have certain things in my life lined up before I had to take the plunge into working for 160 hours with no pay and no guarantee of getting that job. I was going back to Spanish Fork, something I thought I would never do. My job is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much about the field and about myself at that job that I would never have learned anywhere else.
Deciding to date Eric was a purely emotional decision. I had made a "laundry list", he met none of the qualifications. But, when I prayed, I asked God to let me meet a man who would love me FOR WHO I AM. That's all I asked for, and that is exactly what he gave me. I thought I wanted blue eyes and really tall and a non-smoker, but all I really, really wanted was Eric, just the way he was. Our first date was amazing. We never stopped talking, or I should say I never stopped talking and he never stopped listening. Hours and hours we spent together, and I was comfortable the whole time. I felt like I had known Eric forever, he was so easy to talk to and listen to and just BE with. And, that feeling was mutual.
Marrying Eric was an emotional decision. I sat around making lists and spreadsheets, reading about the guy I should marry and what he should have and what to "watch out" for and all of that stuff, but when it came down to it I said Yes because I love Eric more than words can say. And on our wedding day, I didn't worry about money or jobs or cars, anything like that because I knew it would fall into place. All I cared about that day was that I was marrying my best friend in the whole wide world, and we were doing it OUR way.
Buying a dog was an emotional decision. We wanted a dog, we had both researched dogs, we were looking at them, shopping around, but the moment that Mrs. Lytle placed Lucius in my arms, I knew he was mine. The money didn't matter, the breed didn't matter, I NEVER thought we would buy a puppy, or a purebred, or a Yorkie for that matter. But, he fits so perfectly into our lives. I carry him around the house like a baby, he snuggles with me when I'm sick or when we are watching TV. He "barks" in his dreams. He has energy to spare, we can take him hiking and jogging and on long, long walks, and he LOVES it! His personality is so vibrant, and when I look into his big brown eyes, I melt. We clipped his toenails the other day, and he cried, and it broke our hearts.
Now, we are looking into the next phase of our lives: having children. And, as much as I want it to be a logical decision, as much as I want it to happen in my time frame under circumstances that I outline very clearly, it's not going to happen that way. Getting pregnant the first time was totally unexpected, and I never in a million years would have wanted to have a miscarriage. But, life doesn't work like that. I did get pregnant, and I did have a miscarriage. From that, I have learned so many wonderful things that I wouldn't have understood otherwise. All I need to worry about is the fact that I want to have a baby with all of my heart, and we are at a point in our lives where we could provide emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually for a child. I can dwell on what ifs and such all the livelong day, but it won't change anything.
What I have decided is that making an emotional decision for me is a leap of faith. It's trusting that God knows me, knows my life, knows what is coming down the pike, and will always take care of me. It might not be the way I want it or the way I plan, but it will all be for my good. Leaps of faith are scary! You are jumping off the edge of a cliff knowing that there is another side, but not knowing where or in what direction or even what happens if you miss. But, there will always be a ledge. Our Heavenly Father has promised us this. He will NEVER let us fall into oblivion. If we want to be in oblivion, we have to take ourselves there. He will always catch us. Not in the time or place that we choose, but the time and place which is the BEST for us. He promised to catch, but he never promised we would not get scrapes, cuts, bruises, and breaks. Because how else will you learn?
The trick to making a leap of faith is simply this:
Close your eyes,
Take a deep breath,
and... JUMP!
Technically, not impulsive at all. But, I still felt like I was living on the edge with that particular purchase. I mean, I didn't research it online first, just price comparison in the two stores. And, I only went to two stores. OK, so I will buy a pack of gum or whatever in the checkout line, but not often, and I usually take a couple of minutes to compare prices and flavors first. Also, if I don't need the gum, I won't buy it.
Eric is of a similar mindset when it comes to planning and researching. He decided he wanted an electric shaver for his birthday. He went online, compared models, went to the store, looked at a couple, then wrote down EXACTLY what he wanted, a Remington MS2 390 Microscreen Rechargeable/Corded Men's Shaver. I'm not joking about that, I'm reading it off of the paper where he wrote it down for me.
Obviously, we were meant to be together! And, we both ENJOY it. We will sit down, one on one computer and one at the other, and compare and price match all day long. Or, one of us will get a bee in our bonnet, research it out, and excitedly tell the other one what we have discovered. When we got Lucius, we came home the next day with a list to tell the other person about Yorkshire Terriers, most of it the same, and just shot facts that we had discovered at each other.
There is a major difference in making a LOGICAL decison, and an EMOTIONAL one. This comparison shopping and planning and scheduling is all very logical. There is little emotion involved. Sure, when we pick colors or styles, that's more of an emotional response, but the deciding factors are a majority logical.
I have tried, with varying degrees of success, to live my life LOGICALLY. I wanted rules and standards with everything. I wanted it to be that IF I got married to someone I cared about, who cared about me, in the temple, and had these flowers and these decorations and these pictures, in this house with this decoration and these groceries, and that if I just TRIED hard enough, I would stay married forever. What I left out of my decision to marry my ex-husband was the EMOTIONAL aspect of it. Was I emotionally prepared? Mentally, yes. Physically, yes. Financially, mostly. But emotionally? No. I didn't love my ex, I liked him, we had been together for long enough that it was time to get married, and I figured that with time (and I actually remember thinking this shortly before our marriage) I would fall in love with him. I don't regret getting married at 18, and I don't regret doing everything I could to save that marriage, but I do regret not realizing sooner that if I didn't love him, it wouldn't be worth it. By the time we got divorced, I was in it because I made a commitment to be with him. And, the day he left, my first response was shock, but my second response was actually relief. I remember looking into the apartment he had practically destroyed, and thinking, "I get a second chance! I get to marry someone I love next time!"
Doing my externship was an emotional decision. I thought that I would have certain things in my life lined up before I had to take the plunge into working for 160 hours with no pay and no guarantee of getting that job. I was going back to Spanish Fork, something I thought I would never do. My job is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I have learned so much about the field and about myself at that job that I would never have learned anywhere else.
Deciding to date Eric was a purely emotional decision. I had made a "laundry list", he met none of the qualifications. But, when I prayed, I asked God to let me meet a man who would love me FOR WHO I AM. That's all I asked for, and that is exactly what he gave me. I thought I wanted blue eyes and really tall and a non-smoker, but all I really, really wanted was Eric, just the way he was. Our first date was amazing. We never stopped talking, or I should say I never stopped talking and he never stopped listening. Hours and hours we spent together, and I was comfortable the whole time. I felt like I had known Eric forever, he was so easy to talk to and listen to and just BE with. And, that feeling was mutual.
Marrying Eric was an emotional decision. I sat around making lists and spreadsheets, reading about the guy I should marry and what he should have and what to "watch out" for and all of that stuff, but when it came down to it I said Yes because I love Eric more than words can say. And on our wedding day, I didn't worry about money or jobs or cars, anything like that because I knew it would fall into place. All I cared about that day was that I was marrying my best friend in the whole wide world, and we were doing it OUR way.
Buying a dog was an emotional decision. We wanted a dog, we had both researched dogs, we were looking at them, shopping around, but the moment that Mrs. Lytle placed Lucius in my arms, I knew he was mine. The money didn't matter, the breed didn't matter, I NEVER thought we would buy a puppy, or a purebred, or a Yorkie for that matter. But, he fits so perfectly into our lives. I carry him around the house like a baby, he snuggles with me when I'm sick or when we are watching TV. He "barks" in his dreams. He has energy to spare, we can take him hiking and jogging and on long, long walks, and he LOVES it! His personality is so vibrant, and when I look into his big brown eyes, I melt. We clipped his toenails the other day, and he cried, and it broke our hearts.
Now, we are looking into the next phase of our lives: having children. And, as much as I want it to be a logical decision, as much as I want it to happen in my time frame under circumstances that I outline very clearly, it's not going to happen that way. Getting pregnant the first time was totally unexpected, and I never in a million years would have wanted to have a miscarriage. But, life doesn't work like that. I did get pregnant, and I did have a miscarriage. From that, I have learned so many wonderful things that I wouldn't have understood otherwise. All I need to worry about is the fact that I want to have a baby with all of my heart, and we are at a point in our lives where we could provide emotionally, physically, financially, and spiritually for a child. I can dwell on what ifs and such all the livelong day, but it won't change anything.
What I have decided is that making an emotional decision for me is a leap of faith. It's trusting that God knows me, knows my life, knows what is coming down the pike, and will always take care of me. It might not be the way I want it or the way I plan, but it will all be for my good. Leaps of faith are scary! You are jumping off the edge of a cliff knowing that there is another side, but not knowing where or in what direction or even what happens if you miss. But, there will always be a ledge. Our Heavenly Father has promised us this. He will NEVER let us fall into oblivion. If we want to be in oblivion, we have to take ourselves there. He will always catch us. Not in the time or place that we choose, but the time and place which is the BEST for us. He promised to catch, but he never promised we would not get scrapes, cuts, bruises, and breaks. Because how else will you learn?
The trick to making a leap of faith is simply this:
Close your eyes,
Take a deep breath,
and... JUMP!
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