Lily Isabella

I want to write your story down while it's still fresh. It hurts a lot right now, but in the future I will regret it if I don't.

Your daddy's favorite band is Clutch. Around the time you were conceived, we went to a concert the night they released their new album. When we first found out you were there, your daddy and I started talking about names. We both agreed that we felt very strongly that you were a girl. We've always loved the name Lily for a girl, but we struggled to find the perfect middle name to go with it. Your daddy pointed out that one of the songs on Clutch's new album was titled, "Oh, Isabella". And so, you were named Lily Isabella.

Mommy was excited, and nervous. Pregnancy hormones have a way of making all of your emotions bigger and deeper. I worried a lot about getting attached to you, because of my history of miscarriages. But family and friends were quick to point out that whatever was going to happen was going to happen, and I may as well enjoy my pregnancy. So, I fell head over heels in love with you!

Pregnancy is such an interesting thing. You're you, but you also have a little life inside of you. It's amazing. In the quiet moments, I would talk to you. I would tell you how much I loved you, and about your family. I told you about your aunts and uncles, your cousins, your grandparents. I told you how excited they all were to meet you. Your Aunt Talia and Uncle Justin were always excited to touch my tummy, even though there wasn't really anything to feel yet. Your Aunt Sylvee would always ask how Ivory's little cousin was doing. Grammie and Grandpa Johnson were so excited to meet you. I hope you always know that you have a family who loves you very much, and that you would've been spoiled rotten.

At 8 weeks, I had my first doctor's appointment. I got to see you on the ultrasound. You were wiggling and moving all around, an adorable little black and white blob. I got to hear your heartbeat. I can't describe in words what that was like. Like the most beautiful music I've ever heard. It got very real then, seeing you, hearing your heartbeat. I was the happiest, proudest momma in the world!

For being so very small, you sure made your presence known! I don't know when I've ever been so sick in my life! Heartburn, edema, and the perpetual nausea! Between the hormones and my existing medical condition, I started melting away. I couldn't eat anything! But, I was happy to suffer. I was happy to be so sick. Because it meant that you were in there, growing.

And then, overnight it was over.

I miss you. I hurt. I cycle between feeling too sad to cry, to a blubbering, bawling mess every 5 minutes. After talking to your Grammie Johnson, we decided to hold a memorial service for you. I can be distracted the next couple of days with planning that and also rehearsals for the play.

I want you to know that you are loved. As your mother, I love you more than words can say. You are my baby girl, my sweet little Lily. Right now, it's hard to imagine life without you. I know that you are in a place that is safe, you are healthy and whole and happy and surrounded by people who love you. I know that you are held in the arms of our Savior and our Heavenly Father. I know that when I'm sad and I miss you, that you are here with your mommy. I feel so lonely and empty without you. I miss you. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Goodbye for now, Lily Isabella. I can't wait to meet you on the other side. In the meantime, never ever forget that I LOVE YOU!!