Angels

Some of you might think I'm crazy, or something along those lines. I have scoffed at this sort of thing before, but I have reached a point in my life where I cannot deny that this is real.

I believe in angels. No, that's not true. I don't believe it, I KNOW it. I have felt them, I have spoken to them.

Up until I was about 13 years old, I had no experience with death. In the 7th grade, my math teacher passed away. It was a life changing moment for me. My mom, whom I love so very much, patiently answered all of my questions and guided me through the viewing and the funeral.

My next experience with death was in 2008, where God gave me a crash course in the other side. In January, my dog died a week after the prophet died. In April, we put our other dog down. In June, my grandpa passed away.

I was in the room when he took his last breath. I remember feeling like the room was full of people, more people then the family that was there with me. People who I didn't really know, but who knew me very well. Later on, my mom and my grammie both told me that they felt my grandpa's parents there. They had both passed away before I was born, but they knew me and loved me.

I had felt the same experience when I was in the room when my little brother was born. A moment where the walls of this mortal life shimmer for a millionth of a second, and you are in the other side for a moment. The moment that leaves you so overwhelmed with the beauty and the light of it all, that you weep. You can see a blinding, glorious light, and you can hear the host of heaven singing for joy. A moment that touches your heart in a way you have never felt before, or since. A feeling without words. You never forget that.

In August, I started my first job as a CNA, and subsequently experienced the deaths of 5 residents through the course of my work. A strange thing started happening. The night before I would go to work, I would dream that a resident had died. When I went to work, I would find out this was the case. Even after I left my job, a couple of months later I had a dream about a resident that I had been close to. A couple of days later, I found out she had passed away.

A little while after my grandpa passed away, I went back to his grave site. I felt very strongly that he wasn't there, that he didn't want to be there. At other times, I felt his presence very strongly. Often times in the temple, I would feel his hand on my shoulder and feel his love for me. But I also got the feeling that although he would be there for me whenever I needed him, he was also very busy working on the other side, and he wouldn't be with me all of the time. Any time I needed him, though, he was there.

In August 2010, a friend of mine passed away from bone cancer. Her name is Janeece. I was going through my divorce at the time, and throughout it all I felt Janeece by my side. She stayed with me through the worst times, she comforted me. At one point, I asked her why she was spending time with me and not her family. She told me that she spends time with them when they need her, but I needed her right now so she was staying with me.

As things got better, I felt her less and less. But, again, whenever I needed her, all I had to do was ask.

Recently, I lost another friend. My Kat. Her death was sudden and unexpected, and since it has coincided with my miscarriage, I've been having a hard time dealing with it. When I went to her viewing and funeral, I just cried and cried. I have felt very strongly through this whole time that she had something very, very important to do, something much more important than her life here. Her family misses her so much, her friends miss her so much.

I was unable to attend the interment, so yesterday I went to the cemetery to find her plot. As I was walking through the cemetery, someone shouted at me. Loud. I turned around and no one was there, but I was drawn to this headstone. I said, "Why are you shouting at me? I don't know you, what do you want?" They didn't reply. But, I began to feel others talking to me. It was a little uncomfortable because I didn't know any of these people and I didn't know what they wanted.

I finally found Kat's plot. It was unmarked, but I recognized the flowers and I recognized her spirit. I knelt on the ground and cried. Kat consoled me. We talked for a minute, but I could feel that she couldn't stay long. Her mom needed her, but she wanted to check on me and let me know she was OK, and that she wanted me to be OK. Then she left.

Today, I was feeling very down. The miscarriage has been very painful, physically and emotionally, but I don't feel like I can share that pain. I had a moment where I felt like I wanted to give up and be done with this world. Suddenly, Kat was with me, smacking me upside the head. I said, "Kat, I want to be with you. I don't want to hurt anymore." She said very strongly to me, "No, you need to stay now. You don't need to be here now, you need to stay!" I cried and cried, but the feeling has stayed with me that I need to stay here now.

I think that the miscarriage is making me very sensitive to the other side right now, but I've always been more sensitive to the other side than most people I think. When I would do genealogy work, I would see some names and I would feel them. Some people wanted their work done more than others. One I remember was so excited I found her name. Shortly after that, I went to Avalon for treatment. My mom and other family members took the names and did the work. My mom told me that she did the work for this woman one day when I was in treatment, and she looked at the card and realized it was that woman's birthday. Suddenly, she felt her presence there. They had a little chat, and my mom told her to look out for me. Even though I have never met this woman, I felt her with me during my stay at Avalon.

These experiences are real. I can't look back on them and feel like they were made up. I know that this is true. I know that there are spirits among us, helping us, comforting us, celebrating in our joys. At Kat's funeral, her mother said, "If you open your heart, and really listen, you can hear Kat singing to you. I know because she has been singing to me all week." I know that this is true.