Memorial

Yesterday, Eric and I did a small memorial service for the baby we lost. It might seem like we're going overboard, but we are both really glad we did it. It opened up a line of conversation between the two of us, we were able to enjoy the beautiful earth God created for us, and we both really felt like we had some closure with the whole situation.

Saturday, I went to the florist down the street and purchased one pink and one blue carnation. I had also purchased the Willow Tree carving to keep as a reminder. Sunday, we packed a picnic lunch, rounded up the dog, and headed up Hobble Creek Canyon. We found a beautiful little field with a tree-lined creek bordering it. We picked a nice, shady spot, and had the service there.

First, I read a poem that I had written. Then, Eric dug a little hole. Eric and I had each written a letter to the baby, I didn't read his and he didn't read mine. They were handwritten, and I did not keep a copy. We wanted the letters to be real and personal. I cried while I wrote mine, I poured my heart out in it. I wrote mine in the living room, Eric was in the bedroom. So the letters were extra special.

We lit them on fire,

 And watched them burn.

 While they were burning, I sang, "God Be With You Til We Meet Again." I chose it because Eric and I both believe that we will be with that child again someday. So, we weren't really saying Goodbye, we were saying, "See you later!"

After I finished singing, we just watched the letters burn away in silence. The spirit was really strong there in that beautiful little clearing. I could feel that there were spirits there with us, watching us, mourning with us.

Eric then buried the ashes of our letters.

I set the carnations on top of the little "plot" and took some pictures.

 

Afterwards, we had a picnic lunch by the river. Lucius was in doggy heaven, he was running around and sniffing and tried his hardest to pee on every tree. It was a lovely day, and it was beautiful to sit with my little family -- me, my husband, and my dog -- and just enjoy God's creation. 

I love the outdoors, because every time I see something beautiful and wonderful in the world, I am reminded of how much God loves us. He gave us the flowers, and the trees, and beautiful streams. He gave us sweeping fields and majestic mountains. He gave us the smell of a campfire, a breath of fresh air, the sounds of the birds in the trees and the water burbling over the rocks. He gave me this child, if only for a little while. It was important to both Eric and me to have this memorial outdoors, because it is a passion we both share, and one we would have shared with our child.

It is nice to have some closure, and to have a moment where we can grieve together. Like they say it sports, leave it on the field. We left it in the canyon, in a beautiful place. And when I miss being pregnant, I can always remember that beautiful, sunny day in the canyon.